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Être seul….vraiment ?

De retour dans mon lieu de retraite favori, accueilli avec bienveillance et humanité malgré des circonstances difficiles pour toute l’équipe sur place, je savoure ces instants de solitude et de rendez-vous avec moi-même, marqués par des balades, des temps d’écriture, de lecture et de repas. Plusieurs interrogations cependant me taraudent : suis-je vraiment seul ? pourquoi ces moments de solitude me font-ils tant de bien ? et pourquoi est-ce que je ressens de la tristesse à chaque fois que je me prépare pour mes week-ends de mini-retraite ? 


Ces questions font écho au sentiment de solitude que vivent certains clients et dont ils souffrent parfois : l’impression que les autres ne peuvent réellement comprendre ce que ces personnes endurent, d’être non seulement seuls mais également isolés par un vécu que les autres ne partagent pas ou n’ont jamais partagés. Dans une problématique différente que j’accompagne actuellement, un collectif se plaint d’un des travers les plus fréquents dans le cadre d’un  « management » déshumanisant : « on » (les supérieurs, difficilement identifiables) demande au groupe d’être autonome et, lorsqu’il y a problème, il n’y a plus personne pour épauler les employés demandeurs.
 
Je ne peux que partager ce sentiment voir cette souffrance qui me renvoie à mon vécu du burn-out, pendant lequel j’ai effectivement ressenti une profonde et parfois abyssale solitude doublée d’un sentiment d’isolement au sein d’une communauté, familiale et professionnelle, pour laquelle j’avais l’impression d’être un pestiféré que l’on considérait certes avec bienveillance et un brin de condescendance, mais que l’on aurait aimé voir guérir et revenir à la « normale » le plus rapidement possible.


En lien à cette période, Christophe André [1] souligne la différence qu’il y a entre la solitude perçue et la solitude réelle, la première prenant souvent beaucoup plus de place que la seconde. Si nos émotions et notre manière de vivre la réalité nous font nous sentir terriblement seuls, la réalité n’est pas forcément aussi dramatique : si certaines personnes nous renvoie en effet une image d’ « exilé », d’autres, que nous rencontrons parfois en chemin, se mettent à notre écoute, tendant l’oreille et parfois la main, tel un ami qui « nous laisse affronter notre solitude sans nous perdre de vue [2] ».
 
Comme le dit si bien Jacqueline Kelen [3], « on est toujours plus seul qu'on ne le croit et bien moins seul qu'on ne pense ». L’auteur ne fait cependant pas uniquement allusion aux personnes qui nous accompagnent sur ce chemin aride et accidenté de la solitude : elle ouvre des portes qui peuvent nous permettre d’accepter et de transcender ce vécu.


La première ouverture renvoie à notre solitude ontologique et à notre condition humaine. Car, comme nous le rappelle Frédéric Lenoir [4], « gardons aussi à l'esprit que nous sommes seuls, que nous sommes nés seuls et que nous mourrons seuls. Ne cherchons pas à fuir cette solitude existentielle en nous attachant de manière excessive, dans une sorte de fusion, avec un autre être. Sachons que nous devrons tôt ou tard être séparés et apprenons à aimer en nous attachant de manière juste. » Jean-Louis Servan-Schreiber [5] lui emboite le pas en rappelant qu’ « être singulier, c'est être en solitude puisque nous sommes seuls à partager notre monde unique ».
 
Le fait que la solitude soit perçue comme un isolement par la personne qui la subit et en souffre repose donc sur un mythe : celui de la fusion, de la symbiose. L’autre – quel qu’il soit – devrait non seulement être capable de « lire » notre monde mais en plus être à même de le comprendre et de l’accepter…alors que nous sommes souvent bien maladroits voire incapables de faire de même en regard de notre univers, voire de nos « multivers », de nos multiples univers…
 
Or, c’est justement cette même solitude, mais choisie cette fois – « La seule solitude qui vaille c'est celle qu'on choisit, pas celle qu'on subit [6] » – qui nous permet d’aller à la rencontre de nous-même. Pour le dire avec les mots de Lytta Basset, « consentir à sa solitude, c’est devenir homme et femme, devenir un [7] ».
 
Ce voyage n’est pourtant pas une balade d’agrément, car, comme le souligne Jacqueline Kelen, « cette immensité peut faire peur, car elle demande des égards et requiert des devoirs [8]. » : découvrir et explorer ces mondes qui nous constituent et qui s’entrechoquent parfois demande en effet à la fois une grande capacité de bienveillance et de patience envers nous-même ainsi qu’une compétence de négociation et de mise en dialogue de nos diverses facettes.
 
Un apprentissage permanent qui, en plus de la difficulté de la tâche, n’est ni facilité ni encouragé par la société actuelle pour qui la communication est avant tout une affaire d’extimité, c’est-à-dire d’une intimité travestie, un « faux self » publié via les réseaux sociaux. Or, si l’on en croit Nicole Fabre « c'est dès l'enfance que nous devrions éduquer ceux qui nous sont confiés à supporter et à aimer la solitude. Ne pas leur donner en pâture les groupes d'amis qui, en retour, les absorberont. Supporter de les voir parfois s'ennuyer ou perdre du temps afin que naissent les désirs, que se développe le rêve - leur rêve. Mais, pour cela, il nous faut croire en la valeur de la solitude, savoir et croire qu'elle est féconde et qu'elle nous rend capable d'être nous-mêmes lorsque nous retournons au milieu des autres [9]".


Apparaît ici la deuxième porte susceptible de donner du sens au sentiment de solitude profond que vivent certaines personnes : pour entrer réellement en relation avec les autres, il est nécessaire d’être seul et, lorsqu’on est seul, on est relié aux autres, « alone, all one : seul avec tous [10] ». La solitude, surtout lorsqu’elle choisie et assumée, nous permet en effet dans un premier temps d’entrer en relation avec nos émotions, nos pensées, nos besoins, nos envies, nos élans, nos rêves – tout ce qui constitue notre monde intérieur – pour ensuite pouvoir véritablement nous relier aux autres, à leur propre solitude et à leur univers. L’idéal de la relation serait donc d’être un « solitaire sociable [11] » ou, comme j’aime à le dire, « un solitaire solidaire » qui aime à la fois « être seul en étant accompagné et être accompagné en étant seul [12] ».
 
Ce qui me touche et me frappe chez mes clients qui traversent, chacun à sa façon, ce désert de solitude vécue comme un isolement, c’est le fait qu’ils trouvent pour la plupart une grande ressource dans le contact avec la nature – et, si possible, en étant seul. De mon point de vue, ces personnes prennent ainsi soin de leur lien non seulement aux autres mais également – voire surtout – à l’Autre : au Grand Tout, à l’Univers, au Souffle, à la Source. Peu importe le nom que chacun-e veut bien lui donner, le vécu de la solitude « entendue comme un isolement dramatique (…) apparaît dès lors comme un terreau possible pour un approfondissement, une découverte quasi métaphysique de l'homme à la fois perdu et relié [13] ». C’est donc en assumant sa solitude et en en prenant soin qu’on peut y trouver une ouverture, une « reliance [14] » à soi, aux autres et à l’Univers – un paradoxe qui n’est qu’apparent.
 
Que cela soit dans le parcours de vie de mes clients ou dans le mien, les moments de solitude vécue comme un isolement, comme un exil involontaire et subi, alternent ainsi – ou, en ce qui me concerne, ont alterné – avec des moments de solitude choisie et revendiquée, car ressourçante et reliante. Et, peu à peu, pas après pas, ce qui est fuit devient objet de sollicitude jusqu’à devenir un besoin incontournable et non négociable : la solitude devient un lieu ressource, parfois refuge, qui permet de se reconstruire, de se « re-co-naître » et de revenir renouvelé vers les autres. En d’autres termes, « pour se découvrir capable d'attachement, il faut avoir été attaché puis détaché. Pour vivre sa solitude dans ce qu'elle a de plus profond, de fondamental, à la fois douloureux et riche, il faut en somme avoir joué au fort-da [15] ».


Je comprends dès lors mieux l’irrésistible élan qui habite certains de mes clients – et qui m’a hanté longtemps également – de quitter celles et ceux qui leurs sont chers (c’est le « fort » qui, en allemand veut dire, « loin »), suivi par une phase pendant laquelle l’exilé plus ou moins volontaire revient « au port » (le « da » qui, en allemand, signifie « là »), plus heureux que jamais de retrouver les liens initiaux, privés ou professionnels. Et j’arrive également à mettre des mots sur ce sentiment ambigu et diffus que je ressens à chaque fois que je fais mes valises pour une ou deux journées de véritable solitude choisie, assumée et revendiquée : au fond de moi, « quelque chose » doit à chaque pouvoir s’arracher, se détacher – Fabrice Midal dirait, au sujet de la méditation, se « dés-attacher » - pour mieux revenir et réinvestir les liens et aussi les rôles du quotidien.
 
Même si la tâche n’est pas dès plus accessible et que la grâce est indissociable d’un effort, je ne peux que vous encourager, chères lectrices et chers lecteurs, à prendre soin de vous en vous donnant la permission d’aménager des moments de solitude que chacune et chacun habitera comme bon lui semble. Il n’est à mon avis pas nécessaire de se retirer du monde pendant plusieurs années, comme l’a fait Matthieu Ricard, moine bouddhiste et interprète du Dalaï Lama : quelques minutes ou heures suffisent parfois à condition d’être respectées de manière régulière. Je me souviens d’un cadre d’une ville de la Côte qui me disait qu’il restait parfois volontairement enfermé dans les toilettes du bureau plus longtemps que nécessaire, car c’était le seul endroit où on ne venait pas le déranger. Comme ce monsieur – si vous permettez le jeu de mots facile et douteux – restez à l’écoute de vos besoins les plus profonds. 




Les illustrations de cet article sont toutes des photographies réalisées par Evynn LeValley dont la sensualité et les nuances de la série "Feminine Solitude" m'ont beaucoup touché (pour plus de détails : http://www.evynnlevalley.com/fineartFS.php)
 
 

[1] André, C. (2006). Imparfaits, libres et heureux. Pratiques de l'estime de soi. Paris: Odile Jacob.
[2] Basset, L. (2010). Aimer sans dévorer. Paris: Albin Michel, p. 201. 
[3] Kelen, J. (2005). L'esprit de solitude. Paris: Albin Michel, p. 197. 
[4] Lenoir, F. (2012). L'Âme du monde. Paris: NiL Editions, p. 146-147 
[5] Servan-Schreiber, J.-L. (2015). C'est la vie. Essais. Paris: Albin Michel, p. 28
[6] André, C. (2006). Imparfaits, libres et heureux. Pratiques de l'estime de soi. Paris: Odile Jacob, p. 237 
[7] Basset, L. (2010). Aimer sans dévorer. Paris: Albin Michel, p. 201 
[8] Kelen, J. (2015). Sois comme un roi dans ton coeur. Entretiens. Genève: Labor et Fides, p. 32 
[9] Fabre, N. (2004). La solitude. Ses peines et ses richesses. Paris: Albin Michel, p. 29 [10] Kelen, J. (2005). L'esprit de solitude. Paris: Albin Michel, p. 198 
[11] André, C. (2006). Imparfaits, libres et heureux. Pratiques de l'estime de soi. . Paris: Odile Jacob, p. 237 
[12] Corneau, G. (2003). Victime des autres, bourreau de soi-même. Paris : Laffont. 
[13] Fabre, N. (2004). La solitude. Ses peines et ses richesses. Paris: Albin Michel, p. 67
[14] Guérin, P. & Romanens, M. (2010). Pour une écologie intérieure. Paris: Payot.
[15] Fabre, N. (2004). La solitude. Ses peines et ses richesses. Paris: Albin Michel, p. 80

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