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Être dans le contrôle…et le perdre.

Après plusieurs mois de cheminement, je m’octroie à nouveau une pause dans mon pèlerinage. L’occasion de faire le point sur mes émotions, mes besoins, mes envies. Sur ce qui m’habite tout au fond de moi et que j’ai parfois de la peine à entendre dans le tumulte d’un quotidien (à mon goût souvent trop) bien rempli et bruyant.


C’est aussi la première fois depuis le mois de novembre 2016 et depuis la publication de mon témoignage écrit cet automne que je me prépare à rédiger un article pour mon blog – exception faite de ma contribution de début janvier, une reprise d’une « commande » des mes collègues et amis de Coaching-Services. Bien que décidé à « accoucher » de nouvelles réflexions, je me retrouve sans aucune inspiration, mon intuition me soufflant de manière répétée que, au fond, je n’ai besoin de rien et encore moins d’écrire. Je lâche prise et me dis que, à part moi, personne n’attend quelque production que ce soit. Et que, quand l’envie de me mettre au clavier viendra, je serai à l’écoute.
 


Comme souvent lors de mes « mini-retraites » d’un week-end, je me fais plaisir en regardant un film dont je sais qu’il a de fortes chances de ne pas obtenir les suffrages de ma famille pour nos soirées TV communes. Ce soir-là, je jette mon dévolu sur un film sorti en janvier 2017 et présenté au festival de Sundance : To the Bone (Jusqu’à l’os) qui raconte l’histoire de Ellen (interprétée avec beaucoup de finesse et  justesse par Lily Collins, fille aînée de Phil), une jeune fille anorexique de 20 ans, et son chemin vers la guérison.

Au-delà de la thématique centrale et de la controverse que cette production a suscité, notamment par rapport à la manière dont l’anorexie est présentée[1], ce film m’a beaucoup touché car il a fait écho à un concept récurrent à la fois dans ma vie et dans celle des personnes que j’accompagne : le contrôle.


Que cela soit dans la bande annonce ou dans le récit, il est frappant de voir à quel point les personnages mettent de l’énergie à contrôler leur corps, leur poids et leur alimentation : mesures incessantes du tour de bras par exemple, exercices physiques à outrance, vomissements forcés, connaissances extrêmement pointues du nombre de calories présentes dans l’assiette, obsession du poids.

Une « contrôlite » qui débouche au mieux sur des pertes de connaissances ou, à l’extrême, sur la mort. Et, donc, sur une absence totale de contrôle sur sa vie.

C’est en effet ce paradoxe que j’aimerais principalement relever ici. Du haut de notre « tour de contrôle »[2] dont la hauteur nous est utile, pensons-nous, à nous orienter dans une société qui met en avant des valeurs de performance et de réussite, nous nous illusionnons de pouvoir maîtriser le temps ainsi que le cours de notre vie. Nous gérons notre existence comme nos comptes en banque, avec objectivité, anticipation, planification et intérêts. Nous pensons pouvoir contrôler l’imprévu et l’imprévisible, les aléas du présent comme les incertitudes de l’avenir.

Or, ce besoin de contrôle sur la réalité cache une peur : celle de se retrouver face à « sa sensibilité, son émotivité, ses facultés intuitives, la douceur de son coeur et son imaginaire poétique. Tout ce versant de l'être doit rester indécelable, sous le contrôle de la volonté »[3].

Craignant d’être affectés, modifiés, transformés voire détournés pas nos émotions, nos sentiments et nos blessures, nous nous emmurons dans une prison que nous nous construisons nous-mêmes et dont nous sommes à la fois le prisonnier et le geôlier.
 
Poussés par notre mental, fidèle allié de notre ego dans sa volonté de contrôler ce qui pourrait représenter une menace à ses routines, et nous identifiant à nos croyances et à nos schémas inconscients, nous nous mettons très souvent sur mode « pilote automatique », confondant action avec réaction et privilégiant le faire à l’être. C’est ainsi que, paradoxalement, la volonté de maîtriser notre vie, extérieure et bien plus encore intérieure, débouche sur une perte de contrôle. Réglé sur mode automatique, notre pilote augmente en effet les possibilités de sorties de route : burn-out, dépression, accidents, maladies chroniques.

Car, comme le dit Christophe André[4], « le désir de tout placer sous contrôle a pour conséquence un sentiment épuisant de n'avoir jamais fini ce que l'on a à faire. On se condamne à être toujours débordé ». Nous sommes donc tous des Sisyphe en puissance, résignés à pousser notre rocher jusqu’au sommet de la montage…avant de devoir le rechercher au pied du même sommet et de recommencer indéfiniment.

Nous pensons gagner notre vie en nous lançant des défis dont la réalisation nous rassure, sans prendre en considération que nous nous éloignons parfois de l’essentiel et de l’essence. Que nos vies ressemblent parfois à une course contre le temps et que nos journées, pourtant bien (voir trop) pleines, sont parfois vides de moments de plénitudes.
 
Mais alors, me direz-vous, comment se sortir de ce cercle vicieux et de cette prison ? Comment remettre un véritable pilote dans notre véhicule de vie ?
 
Principalement en prenant conscience de ce que nous ne voulons pas voir et ce qui nous fait peur : notre intimité, nos émotions, notre vulnérabilité ainsi que nos schémas récurrents et nos croyances, certes utiles mais parfois très limitantes. Car, « lorsqu'on est conscient d'une chose, on peut prendre le contrôle sur cette chose. Lorsqu'on n'est pas conscient d'un sentiment, c'est lui qui a le contrôle sur vous »[5].

Ce que l’on appelle communément un « travail sur soi » revient alors à observer, nommer et à accueillir avec bienveillance ce magma intérieur que constituent notre affectivité, nos peurs, nos doutes. Sans oublier notre tendance à la Toute-Puissance qui représente souvent une réponse à la peur de perdre de contrôle…et une autre manière de contrôler notre vie ou ce que nous aimerions qu’elle soit.

Il ne s’agit nullement de livrer un combat contre nos démons – ce qui équivaudrait à vouloir reprendre le contrôle, une lutte dont on sort presque toujours perdant et qui contribue à l’épuisement – mais de se réconcilier avec eux en leur laissant une place mais pas toute la place. Cette acceptation, cet accueil de toutes les parts de soi nous permet également de lâcher prise et de faire confiance, car « plus nous progressons dans ce travail de lucidité, d'individuation, de consentement à la vie, plus nous découvrons que nous ne sommes pas uniquement cet ego auquel nous nous sommes identifiés »[6].
 

Dans le film à l’origine de ces réflexions, une scène significative renvoie à cette négociation nécessaire avec nos voix intérieures, avec nos saboteurs et imposteurs préférés : lorsque Ellen se plaint auprès du docteur Beckham (interprété par Keanu Reeves) de son incapacité à désobéir à cette voix harcelante qui lui dicte ses actions, son interlocuteur lui propose d’accueillir cette présence plutôt que de la nier ou de lutter contre elle et ensuite de lui dire, avec force et conviction : « Va te faire foutre ! » et de lui désobéir.
 
Commence alors un véritable travail de libération qui débouche souvent sur une liberté à la fois intérieure et extérieure. Nous faisons des choix de vie, privée et/ou professionnelle, en nous appuyant sur une meilleure connaissance de qui nous sommes réellement, avec nos lumières et nos ombres, nos forces et nos limites. Nous acceptons de contrôler ce qui peut l’être (pas grand chose, au fond) et de rendre aux autres et à la vie ce qui leur appartient. Ce qui nous rend plus légers, plus libres. Et, surtout, plus vivants. Car reliés à ce qui fait que nous sommes à la fois uniques, différents et universels.
 
À vous toutes et tous, chères lectrices, chers lecteurs, je vous souhaite une très belle année 2018 riche en aventures intérieures, en cheminements vers soi et…en pertes de contrôle.


[1] Lire à ce sujet l’article du Temps paru le 6 août 2017 (https://www.letemps.ch/sciences/2017/08/06/to-the-bone-cree-controverse-autour-lanorexie)
[2] Une expression empruntée à Labonté, M. L. (2009). Le point de rupture. Comment les chocs d'une vie nous guide vers l'essentiel. Paris: Albin Michel.
[3] Guérin, M. & Romanens, P. (2010). Pour une écologie intérieure. Paris: Payot, p. 144 [4] André, C. (2012). Sérénité. 25 histoires d'équilibre intérieur. Paris: Odile Jacob, p. 58-59
[5] Mello, A. D. (1994). Quand la conscience s'éveille. Montréal & Paris: Bellarmin & Deslcée de Brouwer, p. 92 [
6] Lenoir, F. (2015). La puissance de la joie. Paris: Fayard, p. 152

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