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De l’illusion au réel…et retour.


Prendre pour permanent ce qui n’est que transitoire est comme l’illusion d’un fou. (Kalou Rinpoché)
 
S'éveiller veut dire deux choses : on s'éveille de et à quelque chose. On s'éveille de ses illusions et au réel. (Roland Rech, légèrement adapté par mes soins)
 
Que cela soit par rapport à mon propre vécu de « burn-outé » ou à celui des personnes que j’accompagne lors d’une rupture de vie, je constate qu’un processus irrémédiable s’enclenche et n’autorise que rarement un retour en arrière : la désillusion.
 
Ce mot-valise revêt plusieurs significations qui correspondent chacune à des étapes qui jalonnent le chemin emprunté. Comme pour les textes précédents, je me propose de témoigner en faisant appel à mes souvenirs personnels en précisant, une fois encore, que je ne prétends en aucune façon avoir raison ni de vouloir imposer mon point de vue à qui que ce soit. 
 
Dans les premiers temps après la chute, la colère et la tristesse étaient des réactions à une énorme déception : l’image (ou, devrais-je dire, les images) que je m’étais fait de moi-même – l’Olivier solide, insubmersible, résistant à toute épreuve, relevant nombre de défis, détenant LA vérité et LA solution – n’était qu’une illusion, une création qui ne tenait pas compte d’autres facettes de mon être que je ne voulais pas (ou plus) voir.
 
Dans cette première expression de la « dés-illusion », j’étais non seulement contraint de me décevoir (ou « dé-se voir »), c’est-à-dire de me voir tel que j’étais vraiment, sans masque ni artifices, mais également amené à décevoir d’autres personnes pour qui cette illusion était une réalité à laquelle – pour des raisons qui leur appartiennent – il était confortable de croire. J’assistais donc à la mise en pièce de mes illusions : un processus douloureux, accompagné d'une grande souffrance et de peurs abyssales suscitées par des interrogations sans réponse dont LA question : « quel sens vais-je donner à ma vie maintenant ? »
 
Parallèlement à ce premier processus, j’ai vécu une autre « dés-illusion » : celle du rôle que je pensais devoir interpréter dans la vie. Incapable d’assumer mes diverses fonctions et d’endosser les costumes – parfois trop larges ou trop étroits pour moi – de mes différents personnages socio-professionnels, j’assistais, impuissant et immobile, au théâtre de la vie. Je regardais passer la réalité du quotidien depuis les coulisses ou depuis mon siège de spectateur, observais les autres se déplacer, souvent en courant, d’un point à un autre, d’un rendez-vous à un autre, d’une activité à une autre.
 

Au début, je contemplais toute cette agitation avec jalousie, colère et désespoir : quel sens avait donc encore ma vie si je ne pouvais pas remonter sur scène et jouer ma partition comme les autres ? Quelle était donc mon utilité « ici-bas » si je ne pouvais par remonter en selle sur mon cheval et galoper avec les autres dans le manège de la vie ?
 
Cette désillusion-là m’a ensuite mené progressivement vers ce que j’appelle une « dés-identification » : comme il m’était physiquement et/ou psychiquement impossible de porter les habits des personnages qui participaient à la construction de mon illusion, je me suis progressivement délesté de mes oripeaux, devenus inutiles car inutilisables, pour trouver mon identité dans la seule action sur laquelle j’avais encore un semblant de maîtrise : mon souffle.
 

Pour le dire avec les mots de Frédéric Lenoir, « nous ne pouvons pas d'avantage contrôler totalement notre vie professionnelle soumise à tant d'aléas externes, ni nous obstiner à vivre dans l'illusion de stabilité et de sécurité. Alors faisons de notre mieux pour maîtriser ce qui peut l'être » (Petit traité de vie intérieure, 2010, p. 31). La plupart des repères que j’avais patiemment construits pour me donner l’illusion que je contrôlais ma vie et la vie s’étaient effondrés les uns après les autres : le seul lieu sûr qui me restait (et me reste encore) était (et restera à jamais) mon intériorité à laquelle un travail conscient, patient et régulier sur ma respiration et mon corps me permettait (et me permet toujours) d’accéder.
 
Comme j’ai pu l’expliciter dans un autre texte, l’accès à ce lieu de vie intérieure n’a été et n’est possible qu’en accueillant mes émotions et mes blessures, d’autant plus présentes que je les avaient ignorées pendant des années, faisant de mes ombres de véritables fantômes.
 
Ou, devrais-je dire, des fantasmes – fantasma veut dire fantôme en italien –, c’est-à-dire des illusions. Si nos émotions et nos blessures sont bien réelles, ce qui l’est moins c’est ce que notre ego et son fidèle allié, le mental, en font : des productions qui distinguent l’être humain de tous les autres êtres vivants ; des pensées qui, si nous n’y prenons pas garde, dirigent notre vie sur le mode « pilote automatique » alors que nous sommes persuadés de garder le contrôle du véhicule.
 
Et c’est là une étape-clé du processus de désillusion tel que je l’ai vécu : le mâyâ, concept central dans la spiritualité hindouiste, que Yvan Amar définit comme étant « notre réaction au monde et l'illusion et la souffrance qu'elle engendre » (L’effort et la grâce, 1999, p. 177). Ce que nous pensons être la réalité n’est donc qu’une construction de notre mental. Et une construction de la seule réalité tangible et incontestable : le réel que Jean-Louis Servan-Schreiber voit dans le grand tout, le non-moi, l’univers, l’inaccessible, l’essentiel, le mystérieux (C’est la vie. Essais, 2015, p. 33-36).
 

Une vision qui rejoint ce que mon intuition ainsi que le fait d'avoir côtoyé la mort m’ont si souvent soufflé à l’oreille : le silence intérieur, le Rien, le Vide sont souvent la seule réalité qui ne soit pas une illusion. Et que c’est à partir de ce « lieu-refuge » que je dois négocier avec moi-même mes actions, mes choix et mes décisions à prendre dans la réalité du théâtre de la vie qui, comme le dit Albert Einstein, « est simplement une illusion, quoique très persistante. ». Pour ma part, j’ai fait mienne la devise de Jean Bouchart d’Orval (Le Secret le mieux gardé, 2007, p. 255) : « jouer le jeu sans s'y prendre, sans s'y perdre ».
 
Cela dit, même si je vois aujourd’hui le monde comme une gigantesque tragi-comédie et que cette vision peut avoir quelque chose de ludique (de ludus, le jeu en latin), la vie me rappelle invariablement que cette philosophie s’inscrit dans une démarche spirituelle qui, pour le dire avec les mots de Jacqueline Kelen, « est âpre, tendue, exigeante : lutte intérieure contre les prétentions et les illusions du moi, gouvernement des passions, résistance active face aux tentations nombreuses sur le chemin, face à la peur (…) une ascèse, c'est-à-dire une discipline, un exercice constant, une pratique rigoureuse. » (Sois comme un roi dans ton coeur, 2015, p. 120).
 
Mon odyssée intérieure et le processus de désillusion m’ont fait me sentir souvent très mal à l’aise dans une réalité qui pour moi n’en était plus une. Je me sentais souvent complètement coupé et isolé, assistant tel un spectateur incrédule aux gesticulations de mes congénères affairés à entretenir leurs illusions.

Aujourd’hui, j’ai l’impression de m’être à nouveau « réincarné » et de réinvestir mes personnages d’avant avec une conscience nouvelle. C’est un vrai soulagement de retrouver mes anciens repères et d’être en pleine possession de mes moyens physiques, psychiques et intellectuels. Et c’est aussi une source de crainte : celle de me laisser à nouveau guider par mes fantasmes, par mes illusions et par mon ego, tout puissant et narcissique ainsi qu’angoissé et anxieux.
 
Le fait de partager mon vécu ainsi que mes réflexions, doutes et convictions, comme je le fais dans le cadre de mon blog, lors des témoignages en public ou, beaucoup plus rarement, en tant que coach, me sert donc avant tout d’« Assurance-Vie » : une manière de rester « Vie-gilant » sur ce nouveau chemin. Même si ces activités peuvent également mettre en avant mon ego, que cela soit à mes yeux ou à ceux des autres. Un paradoxe dont je suis conscient et qui se révèle à la fois être une force et un frein sur ce nouveau chemin.
 
C’est certainement aussi le prix à payer pour contribuer à la genèse de l’Homme en moi et en l’autre, dans toute sa complexité, sa profondeur et son mystère. Une finalité qui, comme le soulève Georges Haldas, peut à la fois représenter « le sens le plus profond ou (une) suprême illusion » dans ma vie.
 
Je vous souhaite à toutes et à tous de cheminer en restant le plus vigilant possible : la réalité n’est souvent pas celle que l’on croit, l’illusion n’est jamais très loin et cela vaut réellement la peine de sonder ses profondeurs pour négocier valablement avec soi-même avant de le faire avec la vie et les autres.

PS Les illustrations de ce texte sont des peintures d'une jeune artiste américaine, Meghan Howland, dont j'ai apprécié la sensibilité et le mariage entre surréalisme et réalisme (plus sur son site : www.meghanhowland.com)


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Bellino on Freitag, 27. März 2020 09:25
First off I want to say great blog! I had a quick question which I'd like to ask if you do not mind. I was curious to know how you center yourself and clear your mind before writing. I have had a hard time clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out. I truly do take pleasure in writing but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are wasted simply just trying to figure out how to begin. Any suggestions or tips? Kudos!
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