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Être en colère


« Quand vous êtes en colère, comptez jusqu’à quatre. Quand vous êtes très en colère, jurez » (Mark Twain)
 
« La colère vide l’âme de toutes ses ressources, de sorte qu’au fond paraît la lumière » (Friedrich Nietzsche)
 
Je ressens le besoin aujourd’hui de parler d’une des quatre émotions de base et probablement la plus déroutante : la colère. « Dé-routante », elle l’est pour au moins deux raisons :
 
1.     La colère peut nous faire sortir de nos gonds, donc être à l’origine de « sorties de route » lorsque, subjugués et asservis par elle, il n’y a plus de pilote dans notre véhicule.
2.     En ce qui me concerne, c’est probablement l’émotion qui me questionne le plus et me met le plus face à mes propres limites. Normal, me direz-vous, puisque, comme je viens de le souligner plus haut, une de ses caractéristiques est de nous faire perdre le contrôle de nous-même.
 
Jusqu’à mon burn-out, cette émotion portait à mes yeux clairement une étiquette négative : je ne voyais pas d’un bon œil le fait d’être en colère justement à cause de ses effets « dé-routants » qui risquaient fortement de casser l’illusion, l’image parfaite et lisse de la personne qui s’était fixé pour but d’être irréprochable, de ne surtout pas faire de vagues au nom de la sacro-sainte harmonie et – raison difficile à avouer – d’être aimée et appréciée de tous.
 
Or, comme le dit très justement Lytta Basset (Au-delà du pardon. Le désir de tourner la page), il n’est pas juste que, dans la Bible hébraïque, Dieu se mette 170 fois en colère et les humains seulement 40 fois. En s’interdisant d’être en colère et, par conséquent, de me mettre en colère, j’ai ainsi collectionné ce que l’Analyse Transactionnelle appelle des « timbres psychologiques » : comme pour les cartes de fidélité dans certains restaurants, tea-room ou stations-services, chaque colère était soigneusement « stempelisée », débouchant sur une gigantesque éruption volcanique au moment où il n’y avait plus de place pour un prochain timbre sur la dite carte. Le burn-out peut ainsi être vu comme le résultat d’un cumul successif de colères non vécues et non exprimées. Donc comme une forme de violence contre soi-même.
 
Il m’a donc fallu apprendre à accueillir et à exprimer mes colères. De fantômes intérieurs dont je ne voulais pas voir l’existence, elles sont progressivement devenues des « anges gardiens » qui se manifestent notamment par des symptômes physiques (maux de ventre et poitrine serrée) et qui m’aident à avancer sur mon chemin de vie.
 
Inlassablement et régulièrement, j’ai d’abord appris, comme le prône Thierry Janssen, de « métaboliser » cette émotion, c’est-à-dire de « l’accueillir comme une nourriture et de respirer profondément », ce qui a pour effet que « notre émotion s’estompe, son information génère des idées nouvelles dans notre pensée et son énergie devient disponible pour une réponse adaptée à la situation » (cf http://www.thierryjanssen.com/images/chroniques_psycho/chronique_psycho_2015_05.pdf.)
 
Pour se faire, j’ai introduit dans mon quotidien des techniques de méditation et de visualisation que j’utilise régulièrement et qui ont également pour but d’éviter que la colère se transforme en ressentiment contre la personne, la situation ou le contexte déclencheurs. Car, comme le souligne Christophe André dans Les états d'âme. Un apprentissage de la sérénité, le piège dans lequel je tombais et je tombe encore souvent, c’est de ruminer et d’entretenir une colère qui dure, qui dure, qui dure…et qui débouche sur les effets dé-routants énumérés plus haut ainsi que sur une spirale qui peut parfois s’avérer infernale, car elle a pour conséquence de m’installer dans un rôle de victime incapable de voir une issue à la situation.
 
Ainsi, grâce à la fois à l’accueil de la colère et à une forme de distanciation, le fait de laisser de la place à la colère sans lui laisser toute la place permet tout d’abord de ne pas en être esclave puis de se poser quelques questions-clé à tête reposée.
 
Une des premières interrogations qui surgit alors chez moi vise à connaître le besoin qui se cache derrière cette émotion. Si je m’en réfère au livre de Christelle Petitcollin, Émotions. Mode d’emploi, la colère exprime principalement le besoin d’être respecté. À chaque situation générant de la colère, j’en viens donc à me demander ce qui n’a pas été respecté chez moi : quelles valeurs, quels besoins, quelles limites, quels principes et aussi quelles croyances.
 
J’irais cependant plus loin que l’auteure française en disant que, si je suis honnête avec moi-même, mes colères ne mettent pas seulement de la lumière sur mon besoin d’être respecté,  mais aussi sur celui de me respecter. Je réalise en effet souvent que ma colère vient aussi du fait que j’ai de la peine à me faire entendre soit en amont soit en aval de la situation à l’origine de l’émotion.
 


Dans les faits, je me laisse parfois piétiner plusieurs fois, soit par les autres ou, pire encore, par moi-même : parce que je n’ai pas été respecté, parce que j’ai parfois en partie contribué à cet état de fait, parce que j’ai peur d’entreprendre des démarches pour me faire respecter et parce que tout cela me met en colère contre moi-même.
 
Car, comme le dit très justement Pierre Pradervand dans Vivre sa spiritualité au quotidien, l'agression extérieure peut souvent être interprétée comme la manifestation et la matérialisation d'une agression intérieure envers soi-même : la colère ressentie vis-à-vis d’un déclencheur externe peut déboucher sur une forme de maltraitance vis-à-vis de soi – un schéma que les personnes victimes de harcèlement ou de mobbing connaissent bien…ainsi que les personnes qui ont vécu un épuisement professionnel.
 
Ce constat soulève deux questions :
 
1.     que faire avec les colères déclenchées par des conditions externes ?
2.     que faire avec les colères que je m’adresse à moi-même ?
 
Je rejoins entièrement Lytta Basset (toujours dans l’ouvrage cité plus haut) lorsqu’elle avance que la réponse aux deux interrogations ci-dessus revient tout d’abord à se donner le droit à la colère, une « colère féconde », « expression légitime » de soi-même et « force de vie » indispensable pour faire face aux injustices. Pour ensuite user de sa « capacité à confronter autrui » sans attendre nécessairement réparation.
 
En cela l’outil OSBD, emprunté à la CNV (Communication Non Violente), est une clé qui m’aide souvent à voir clair dans ma responsabilité dans la situation et à rétablir l’équilibre dans la communication en exprimant mes observations, mon ressenti ainsi que mes besoins pour conclure par une demande dont j’envisage qu’elle peut être acceptée mais aussi refusée par l’autre.
 
Afin de passer par l’acte avant de passer à l’acte, il m’arrive de mettre mes éléments de réflexion par écrit avant de les transmettre oralement ou de rédiger une lettre ou mail que je fais lire à une personne extérieure à la situation avant d’envoyer le message dans les situations où il est soit préférable, plus judicieux de passer par l'écrit ou impossible de communiquer oralement.
 
En effet, les colères les plus difficiles à vivre pour moi sont celles qui sont en lien à des violences institutionnelles pour lesquelles il n’y a souvent pas d’interlocuteur clairement identifiable. Une lettre fictive que je déchire ou brûle ensuite me permet de me rendre justice sans pour autant me prendre pour le Justicier.
 
Car, et c’est peut-être là la clé du problème, pour pouvoir pacifier la relation à l’autre, même si celui-ci est fictif ou symbolique, il faut probablement aussi – ou même d’abord – se réconcilier avec soi-même. C’est ainsi que, souvent après quelques jours passés à ruminer, je me rappelle qu’il serait bon que je prenne soin de moi, que je me donne de la douceur et que je fasse la paix avec mes blessures et avec ma vulnérabilité.
 
Si je devais résumer mes ombres, autant de sources de lumière, je dirais que toutes sont en lien à une blessure d’amour et un sentiment d’injustice et d’abandon qui remontent à très, très loin dans mon histoire de vie : la psychogénéalogie m’a même permis de faire la paix avec des parents partis beaucoup trop tôt et dans des situations de violence extrême.
 
Pour le dire avec les mots du philosophe américain Henry David Thoreau,  "il n'y a qu'un remède à l'amour : aimer d'avantage". Le fait d’ « érotiser » ma colère, donc de m’y installer, ne fait qu’empirer le phénomène, puisque je persiste à entretenir ce que Hannah Arendt appelait la « banalité du mal », soit la violence qui sommeille en chacun de nous, alors qu’une logique de « banalité du bien » (Matthieu Ricard) me permettrait de me donner de l’amour, de la compassion et de la joie pour pouvoir sortir de ce cercle vicieux.
 
Même s’il semble indispensable dans la pacification vis-à-vis de ses colères, ce travail de réconciliation avec ses propres blessures n’est de loin pas chose aisée et, en ce qui me concerne, c’est et ce sera le travail de toute une vie. Ce qui est à la fois rassurant – j’ai donc le droit à plusieurs essais ! – et source de….colère.

En effet, une de mes ombres est l’impatience liée à un besoin de contrôle et de Toute-Puissance, deux besoins censé calmés mes anxiétés existentielles et mes angoisses de la mort. La quête continue donc. Si possible dans la paix plutôt que dans la colère. Quoi que….

Pour conclure, j'aimerais parler d'un autre besoin que la colère met à jour : celui du changement. En effet, lorsque cette émotion me saisit, je m'entends souvent penser : "Ça suffit ! Ça ne peut plus continuer comme ça ! Il faut que ça change !". Changer certes, mais quoi et comment ?

Faut-il changer la situation ou la personne qui ont déclenché la colère ? C'est parfois possible, mais souvent très difficile voire improbable. Faut-il alors changer sa manière de voir la situation ou la personne ? Si oui, quel impact ce travail aura-t-il sur la perception que j'ai de moi-même ? Quel changement suis-je d'accord d'apporter chez moi pour mieux vivre la situation ? Ou, dans certains cas, ne vaut-il pas mieux changer de situation ou quitter la personne pour se distancer définitivement ? 

Car, ce que la colère nous apprend aussi c'est de nous positionner, d'affirmer clairement nos limites, synonymes non de faiblesses mais de forces, et, donc, de se différencier sans attendre que l'autre - la situation ou la personne - le fasse à notre place.

Or, ce questionnement est souvent trop complexe et touche à trop de zones d'ombres et d' "angles morts" chez nous pour qu'il puisse se dérouler valablement seul. Pourquoi ne pas suivre le conseil de G. Le Cardinal : "Soyez autonome, demandez de l'aide" ? 

Bonne suite de chemin à toutes et à tous, en compagnie (ou pas) de vos saintes colères.



 
 
 

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