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L'accompagnement : un luxe inutile ?


« On dit qu’il faut prendre son mal en patience : et si on prenait notre bien en urgence ? » (Ludovic Soliman)
 
« La folie est de se comporter toujours de la même manière et de s’attendre à des résultats différents. » (Albert Einstein)
 
Dans un ouvrage que j’ai déjà cité dans d’autres réflexions, Rolf Dobelli soutient, de manière provocatrice, que la performance d’un coach, d’un conseiller, d’un médecin ou d’un psychothérapeute est à questionner : si l’on s’en tient au principe de « la régression vers le milieu » qui veut que, quoique l’on fasse, toute situation insatisfaisante a tendance à se rééquilibrer d’elle-même au bout d’un certain temps, l’aide d’une personne extérieure n’a que peu ou pas contribué à l’amélioration du problème. Il faudrait donc, selon lui, éviter d’attribuer un meilleur état de santé ou une progression de résultats ou d’une situation à l’intervention d’un soutien quelconque.
 
Pour rester dans la provocation, j’aimerais, dans un premier temps, abonder dans le sens de la thèse du financier et homme d’affaires lucernois et cela pour deux raisons :
 
  1. si amélioration de la situation il y a, elle est principalement à mettre sur le compte du travail que la personne directement concernée a effectué, l’accompagnement ayant contribué à aider le client à s’aider lui-même ;
  2. au niveau de la déontologie, le coach peut garantir les outils mais en aucun cas le résultat de l’accompagnement : l’issue du processus appartient en effet à la personne accompagnée et, en toute humilité, à la vie.
 
D’un côté, la thèse de Dobelli me parle, car elle balaye toute velléité de « pensée magique », que cela soit chez l’accompagné ou chez l’accompagnant : comme j’ai pu le dire ailleurs, l’être humain n’est, à mon avis, pas l’auteur, le « deus ex machina », de la vie. Mais, de l’autre côté, il me semble primordial que toute personne puisse se donner le droit d’être actrice de son chemin de vie, non pas pour s’illusionner de détenir une baguette magique, mais pour des raisons de dignité et d’estime de soi ainsi que pour rester maître du sens – dans la double acception du mot : direction et signification – de sa vie.  
 
J’aimerais donc développer dans ces lignes les raisons qui, « malgré tout », plaident en faveur de l’accompagnement. Comme on ne parle jamais mieux que de ce que l’on connaît, je me contenterai de témoigner de mon activité de coach indépendant et interne tout en ayant parfois recours à ma propre expérience d’accompagné.
 
Le premier argument est en rapport à la bienveillance dont fait – ou devrait faire – preuve tout accompagnant. Cette posture n’est pas anodine, car elle touche au socle même de l’estime de soi, c’est-à-dire à l’auto-compassion, à l’amour inconditionnel pour soi-même et à la bienveillance à son égard.

Les personnes qui viennent me trouver traversent des moments qui les déstabilisent souvent profondément et qui mettent à mal leur capital de confiance en soi et en la vie : un licenciement, un harcèlement moral ou un burn-out sont autant d’épreuves douloureuses et parfois dévastatrices.
 
Le « témoin lucide » (Alice Miller, Notre corps ne ment jamais, Paris : Flammarion, 2013, p. 16) qu’est le coach, à la fois empathique et extérieur aux émotions de l’autre, permet à la personne accompagnée de trouver la bienveillance et la compréhension nécessaires à la reconstruction de son estime de soi. Le fait de vivre une écoute sans jugement auprès d’un coach est une réelle invitation et un encouragement à rester bienveillant vis-à-vis de soi-même, indépendamment de la situation ou des résultats.
 
La deuxième raison est en lien à l’alliance sur laquelle repose le binôme « accompagné-accompagnant ». Pour l’avoir vécu moi-même au sortir du burn-out, la solitude est parfois abyssale : seules les personnes qui ont traversé la même épreuve peuvent réellement comprendre ce qui nous arrive….et elle ne sont pas légion ou, du moins, ne sont pas faciles à trouver, sauf si on participe à des groupes de parole au sein d’une structure, ce qui n’a pas été mon cas. Pour votre entourage, l’empathie est difficile voire impossible à développer non seulement par l’absence d’une expérience similaire mais aussi et surtout parce que votre état les déstabilise elles aussi, les renvoyant à leurs propres peurs et limites.
 
De pouvoir parler sans crainte d’être jugé à quelqu’un d’extérieur au contexte personnel ou professionnel, en étant assuré que notre vis-à-vis nous accepte telle que nous sommes, est un réel soulagement voire une libération. Et non seulement ce duo nous permet de sortir de l’isolement mais il a également un effet positif sur notre identité et notre dignité, car le coach nous voit comme une personne et non comme un malade, un incompétent ou un raté – des étiquettes qui nous collent très vite à la peau, principalement parce que nous nous les auto-attribuons, aidés en cela par un contexte parfois déshumanisant.
 
Et c’est là que se situe la troisième motivation pour se faire accompagner, et pas des moindres : être d’accord d’être confronté à ses propres incohérences et à sa part de responsabilité dans la situation. « Bienveillant, mais sans complaisance » : telle est une des premières devises du coach que j’ai pu entendre en formation et j’en mesure régulièrement la portée. Car le fait de montrer de la compassion vis-à-vis de la personne coachée n’est pas l’unique garant de l’estime de soi chez elle.
 
Outre le fait d’être « en amitié avec soi-même » (Montaigne), la capacité d’évaluer, d’ « estimer », de la manière la plus objective et honnête qui soit, ses forces et ses faiblesses est une autre composante déterminante de l’estime de soi. Or, tout seul, on ne voit pas tout : il y a les « angles morts » que seul un joueur extérieur à votre propre partie peut identifier et, tel un miroir, vous renvoyer soit en reformulant vos propres mots, soit en vous posant des questions dont le but est de vous en faire prendre conscience ou en vous offrant des « feed-backs » qui sont parfois autant de « feed-claques ».
 
Dans son ouvrage au titre un brin démagogique, « Réussir son coaching. Une approche systémique » (Pearson Education France, 2011, 3 édition), Jaques-Antoine Malarewicz souligne que, dans un processus de coaching, il y a toujours trois acteurs : le coach, le coaché…et le changement. Si l’on s’en tient à l’un des principes de l’approche évoquée, tout système – et l’être humain en est un – a une tendance à l’homéostasie, c’est-à-dire à rétablir l’équilibre perturbé. Le principe de la régression dont parle Dobelli en est d’ailleurs une illustration : quoique l’on fasse, la régulation a lieu.
 
La personne qui vit un changement important, surtout lorsqu’elle le subit, a donc la possibilité d’attendre que la situation s’améliore d’elle-même et de prendre son mal en patience, en espérant des jours meilleurs. Ce qui a comme avantage de laisser la responsabilité du changement à des facteurs extérieurs…et l’énorme désavantage que la personne continue à subir son sort, se positionnant parfois en victime qui attend d’être sauvée par une manne providentielle. Ou qui quitte une situation qu’elle juge défavorable….en risquant fort de retrouver ailleurs ce dont elle fuit le plus le changement : elle-même.
 
La citation de Ludovic Soliman en exergue illustre en très peu de mots ce dilemme auquel tout être humain est confronté au moins une fois dans sa vie. Les personnes qui viennent me trouver ont fait un choix : celui de mieux vivre une situation professionnelle qui les affectent à un tel point que leur équilibre personnel est mis en danger, si ce n’est pas déjà trop tard.
 
Mais cette condition et cette motivation est-elle forcément la garantie d’une volonté de changement chez la personne demandeuse ? Pour le coach et psychiatre français, la réponse n’est pas automatiquement affirmative. Un des dangers pour le coach est d’ailleurs de mourir « par noyade, par étranglement ou par les deux à la fois » (p. 32) : la personne accompagnée inonde le coach d’informations sur le contexte et celui-ci se laisse endormir en jouant le sauveteur qui donne des recettes pour changer la situation plutôt que de diriger – Malarewicz parle de « manipuler » – le coaché vers ce qui va lui permettre de réfléchir aux changements de regard sur la situation et sur lui-même : ses émotions, ses sentiments, ses besoins, ses croyances. Autrement dit, vers son vécu et – c’est là que ça peut être douloureux – vers nos comportements et attitudes qui ont participé de la situation problématique.
 
Car, et c’est là un autre principe systémique, celui de la circularité : « on fait toujours partie du problème…et de la solution ». Il m’a été extrêmement difficile de réaliser puis d’accepter que c’est mon manque de bienveillance vis-à-vis de moi-même, ma loyauté et mon sens du devoir envers toute institution, mon désir de plaire et d’être reconnu, ma culpabilité et mon perfectionnisme qui ont fait de moi ma propre prison, mon propre geôlier et mon propre prisonnier. Non seulement je n’en aurai jamais pris conscience si je n’avais pas été accompagné, mais je me serai probablement enfoncé encore plus dans mon auto-harcèlement.
 
Les « témoins lucides » qu’ont été à la fois ma thérapeute et mon coach m’ont permis de changer. Ou, pour être plus juste, de devenir plus conscient de qui je suis et, donc, de gagner en estime de moi. Je suis en effet d’accord avec Guy Corneau, thérapeute canadien, pour dire qu’on ne change pas vraiment : mes démons et mes ombres ne sont jamais très loin, mais j’ai appris à mieux vivre avec et à les aimer… eux aussi. Et c’est peut-être là le bénéfice le plus important de tout accompagnement, indépendamment du résultat et de l’issue : celui d’avoir accepté une aide qui nous permette de prendre en main notre bonheur, car « être heureux, c'est apprendre à choisir » (Frédéric Lenoir, « Du bonheur. Un voyage philosophique », Paris : Fayard, 2013, p. 39). Et, n’en déplaise à M. Dobelli, choisir veut aussi dire se donner les moyens d’être résilient, c’est-à-dire de transformer une épreuve en merveille.
 
 
 
 
 

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